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Good evening! Beep!
Welcome to my show! I promise you all an hilarious night of fun and laughter. Beep, beep!
So let me start with the first joke of the night... er... beep.... how did it go?
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Beep? Well?
Did they run out of thank you tomatos ? Beep?
They laughed so much that they can't take it anymore, poor things... beep...
See you next time friends! BOOP!
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My friend told me I have anger management problems...
So I hit him over the head with a chair.
So I shouted at him.
So I asked him politely to go away.
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Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Because it changed its favourite sports team.
Because it was time to mature.
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What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes?
He burped 7 Up.
He threw up.
He fainted after 7 minutes.
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He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said:
"You're the boss."
"Let her know whi is the boss."
"I'm the boss."
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What’s an eight-letter word with all the letters in it?
Alphabet.
Allleters.
Noone.
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What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Toilet phones.
Contraband.
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What is a scarecrows favorite food?
Strawberries.
Whichever it is guarding.
Corn.
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Where do geologists go for entertainment?
To rock concerts.
To caverns.
Nowhere, they don't have fun.
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Why is six afrain of seven?
Because seven eight nine.
Because seven is bigger than it.
Beacuse six can't turn itself around.
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What is a prehistoric monster called when it sleeps?
A dinosnore.
An earhquake.
Cute.
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What do you call a lion who wears an ascot?
A dandelion.
The queen of the jungle.
The envy of the savanna.
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Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station.
Anywhere during flight.
At their hive.
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The son says to his father: "For 10, I’ll be good."
"When I was your age, I was good for nothing."
"I'll give you 5 for being average."
"Go be good to your mother."
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What did the candle say when he was down on his luck?
"I’m at wick’s end."
"Blow me."
"Always going down."
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What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
"You're too young to smoke."
"When I was your age I already smoked."
"What the hell are you burning in there?"
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What does Dumbo do after taking a photocopy?
He compares it with the original document for spelling mistakes.
He asks for his money back because they're the same.
He forgets the original.
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Why are you cutting the cake with a chisel?
Because it’s marble cake.
Because it's hard as a rock.
Because the aren't any clean knives.
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How do you call a boomerang that you throw and doesn't come back?
It's called a stick.
It's called a boom.
It's called a stayrang.
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What did the teddy bear say after dinner?
"I'm stuffed."
"Is there anything left?"
"No, please, no more teddy bears!!"
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If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe
Alien foot.
Vacuum nail.
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Your anatomy doesn't make sense.
Where are your ears?
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Bees don't have hair.
Because the queen ordered.
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What do you have between your nose and your chin?
Tulips.
A mustache.
A soul patch.
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What happens when the Queen burps?
She issues a royal pardon.
The whole court apologises.
Everyone covers their ears.
2
What tools do you need in math class?
Multi-Pliers.
A calculator.
A cellphone.
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What did the the tie say to the hat?
"You go on a head, I'll just hang around."
"How's the view up there?"
"You cover his eyes while I stangle him!"
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What do you call a Penguin in the desert?
Lost.
Crazy.
Camel.
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What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
Carrots up their nose.
A cup of hot sun.
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What do you call cheese that's not your cheese?
Nacho cheese.
Stolen cheese.
Cheesy business.
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What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up.
"Groosssss.""
"I won't tell anyone."
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One cow said "Mooo...", and the other replied:
"Exactly what I mean."
"Mooo for you too."
"Just let it go already"
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What happened at a fight in the candy store?
Two suckers got licked!
There wasn't any sweet talk.
The sweet cotton got arested.
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What's the kindest vegetable?
A sweet potato.
A smart carrot.
A charming lettuce.
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What did one plate say to the other plate?
"Lunch is on me!"
"I'm really full."
"I hate that fork and knife."
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What do you call it when someone puts a clock on his belt?
A waist of time!
A crazy person.
A waste of a clock.
3
What kind of animal cleans the sea?
A mermaid.
Non-humans.
The sea broom.
3
What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
An airplane.
A magical car.
4
There once lives a woman that was so fat, so fat...
That the only photo she had was taken by sattelite.
That she never wanted to eat fast food ever again.
That she had to dress the XXXXL size.
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Why does the ox moo when a cow goes by?
Because it can't whistle.
Because it wants to say hi.
Because it's hungry,
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What is a shinny spot on the grass?
It's an ant with bracers.
it's a lost coin.
It's a firefly.
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The patient says: "Doctor, I really need to wear glasses..."
"Oh yes you do... Because this is a bank."
"Oh yes you do... Lets go to my office.
"No you don't... You can even see me."
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What is a louse doing in a bald head?
Figure skating
Summer holidays.
Itching.
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What does a snowman say to another?
"I smell carrots too...
"This jacket makes me so cold...
"I don't understand, I only piss when it's hot."
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What do you give to a sick elefant?
Lots of space.
A pill.
Peanuts.
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Why does the centipede takes an hour to enter its house?
Because the mat says "Clean your feet".
Because it doesn't have a watch.
Because it always tries to go through the window.
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How do you make a chocolate omlet?
With easter eggs.
It's impossible.
With lots of chocolate.
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What do canibals call athlets?
Fast food.
Idiots.
Athletos.
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Two toothpicks are walking when they meet a porcupine. One says to the other:
"We could have taken the bus.
"Lets rob it."
"I'm never coming this way again.
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What's the first thing an homeless does in a computer?
A search in the recycle bin.
Checks his e-mail.
Plays solitaire.
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Where do microbes surf?
In the microwave.
In a cup.
In pools.
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Why is the restaurant bankrupt?
Because it closed for lunch.
Because the service was horrible.
Because they only served boiled potatoes.
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Which is the oldest animal in the world?
The zebra, because it's still in black and white.
The dinossaurs, because they lived millions of years ago.
The amiba, because they are one of the first forms of life.
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What did the match say to the matchbox?
"Everytime you go by I lose my head."
"You're very striking."
"Want to spark together?"
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In the morning, a mom asks her son: "Why do you have your socks inside out?"
"Because they have a hole on the other side!"
"Because the seams hurt!"
"Because they're not mine!"
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Two grains of sand are walking in the desert and one says to the other:"
"Don't look now, but I think we're being followed..."
"This festival is packed."
"I'm so thirsty..."
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What does a painting say to another?
"I think they left us hanged..."
"Your frame is really ugly..."
"You always look the same..."
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Two dinossaurs are eating traffic lights when one says to the other:
"Don't eat that one, it's still green!"
"When they are yellow, hutty up eating them!"
"A traffic light a day, keeps the the doctor away!"
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A mom asks her son: "Why did you eat the change?"
"You were the one that said they were for lunch."
"You were the one that said that money is our bread."
"You were the one that said they were eatable."
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What is a little green dot in the corner of the room?
A pea in detention.
A bit of moss.
A catterpillar that got lost.
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There was a drought in the summer so dry, so dry...
That even cows gave powdered milk.
That all the cheese was grated.
That the cereals were all toasted.
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Two cows are walking in the street and one of the peanuts says:
"You know... I think we're in the wrong joke..."
"I think I forgot the joke..."
"When does this end?"
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A porcupine meets a cactus in the street and asks:
"Mom, is that you?"
"Do you have any toothpicks?"
"Get out of my way or I'll sting you!"
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The son arrives home and says:"Mom, mom! They called me a liar at school!"
"Shut up, you don't even go to school."
"I don't care, you're not even my son."
"Go ask your father about lying."
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What does an elevator say to the other?
"My life is full of ups and downs."
"Are you down with it?"
Nothing, elevators don't talk.
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Two peanuts are walking in the street. One told a joke...
and the other peeled itself laughing.
and the other broke its shell.
and the other told another.
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Why doesn't math get married?
Because it has a lot of problems to solve.
Because it's in love with algebra.
Because no one understands it.
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What does a magnet say to the other?
A side of you is very attractive.
You're so negative sometimes.
Turn around.
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There was once a player so crippled, so crippled...
That even when he scored a goal, he failed on the replay.
That once scored in his team's goal.
That he decided to become a referee.
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What time is it when an elefant sits on a bench?
It's time to buy a new bench.
It's 10:30.
It's time to get a new pet.
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
Because it was suicidal.
To run away.
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Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
Because you're not a parrot.
Because it would be cold.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Because otherwise they were only birds.
Because singbirds sing.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with!
Because he scared off all his dates.
Because he lost his foot.
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Why do Gorillas have big fingers?
Because they have big nostrils.
Because they eat big bananas.
Because they pick big lice.
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Why did the lady miss her husband?
Because she never shot a gun before.
Because he left a long time ago.
Because se was aiming at his lover.
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Why did the man take off his door bell?
He wanted to win the Nobel prize.
He didn't want to be disturbed.
To put it on his favorite cow.
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Why did the moron go to the dressing room?
To change his mind.
To get some change.
To see the weather changing.
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What did the green grape tell the purple grape?
"Breathe!"
"One day I'll be like you."
"Are you sure you're my father?"
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Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
They always have their trunks down!
They destroy every sand castle!
They make tsunamis when they dive.
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Why are mountain climbers curious?
They always want to take another peak.
They're always looking for big foot.
They don't take no for an answer.
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Why won`t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
Because they don't like rice powder.
Because their shoes are stiff.
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Why do thieves shower before they commit crime?
Because they like a clean getaway.
Because they want to trick the police dogs.
Because showering in prison is horrible.
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Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Because they don't know when to open the parachute.
Because it's too scary.
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What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.
A talking dog.
A cuckoo dog.
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Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
Under its wings.
Inside a pillow.
8
The doctor said: "Your recovery was a miracle!" And the pacient replied:
"Praise God, now I don't have to pay you."
"I doubt it, I'm an atheist you know."
"Let's call the Pope and tell him all about it."
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Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
Because the butt doesn't fit the saddle.
Because the bicycles ride them instead.